assalamualaikum...

its incredible I can writing and post to my blog in the hectic-day of work (work until I got a sick now... should bed rest and soon I can join to work again, amiin...) hmm, but can I share something about what I feel? I'm happy if you can response or giving a clue for me, it would be great and help me...

nowadays, I really feel bad, sad, angry and cruel. honestly, I don't know what I've done before until this is happen. I already know how to enjoying this habit, like doing, thinking, and solving  problem alone, although sometimes I shared what I thought to my mom and this is enough. I have girl and boy friends and I regard them as sisters and brothers, they already know my decision to bounded interactions with other but it doesn't mean I'm an antisocial. I made new friends but I don't want to made a new relationship besides it. I know people would call me egoist, fanatic or hypocrite but this is real me. what I've done in a past, I don't want to do it again. it's dizzy for thinking about my past or how much sins that I bear. once in a while I met a man and we chatted each other but why in the end I feel he's not a person I'm look for. he's just same as another man who want attract girls and make them as his girlfriend without responsibility. this is serious. I bored, hated and disappointed with him shortly. I cried when realize that the world too big and I'm nothing in this world. I'm too old to waste the time with the man who always giving a promise, just want to have an attention, and just want the best with simple way. so, if I decide to leave, it's not because I'm a cruel evil who come and leave with counterfeits expectation. I leave because he's not the true-man. the true-man's way are coming to my parents and say if he's serious and want to starting taaruf with me. I don't want to adding more sins for me and him. I believing with God's work and it's better to be alone than unhappy with someone. I wish they will know, the best way to finding a future soul mate is a with right way, the God's way. your soul mate is a truly your reflection. if you want to make me as your soul mate... you know what should you do. as the Qur'an say...

"tell the believing men to reduce (some) of their vision and guard their private parts. that is purer for them. indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do." (QS. An-nuur : 30)

"and tell the believing women to reduce (some) of their vision a d guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which (necessarily) appears thereof and to wrap (a portion of) their headcovera over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their us bands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, their sisters' sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. a d let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. and turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed..." (QS. An-nuur : 31)